A Snapshot of our First Day Together
She was so cute bundled up after her bath. I couldn't resist taking a million photos!
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Vivien's First Day @ Home
She was so cute bundled up after her bath. I couldn't resist taking a million photos!
Last Night in the Hospital
We spent our last and final night at the hospital. We were able to "room-in" with our baby, which means she is out of NICU but the nurses are just a buzz away if we need them. We had a successful night, with only one crying episode. It turns out Vivien is not a happy sleeper unless she is well swaddled. Works like magic!
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Vivien finally gets off her Oxygen Machine
This week has been so exhausting. I'm not even sure what day it is anymore but it doesn't matter because today Vivien did an amazing job off her C-PAP (Continuous Positive Airway Pressure). She has had small tubes continuously providing air to her lungs because she was unable to fully breathe on her own when she was born. The nurses have slowly started to ween her from the machine but she's been a little stubborn (that's the Leo in her). This afternoon they finally removed her tubes and turned off her oxygen and she breathed like a pro all on her own! I was so proud of her. Of course, lastnight her and I had a little pep-talk about how it was time for her to come home and she was now the "big kid' in NICU and needed to graduate. I guess it worked because she was the happiest little baby on the block today.
Not only did Miss Vivien breathe all on her own but she FINALLY fed from my breast. After days and long grueling sessions to have her breastfeed, she finally did it! There were no screams, no flailing arms...nada. She just opened wide and started to suck. It was simply a beautiful moment for both of us.
Here's a little video footage of my happy baby and her beautiful face with NO tubes or tape!
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Vivien's Delivery - Part One
Labor & Delivery
It is now day three in the hospital with Vivien and I want to start off by thanking God for this beautiful gift. Even though these past few days have been extremely challenging and emotional, the bottom line is she is finally here, she is healthy and she is safe.
I want to share my birthing experience for several reasons. For one, I think it will help filter some of these emotions out and for two, other mommies to be might learn from this experience also.
Labor started Monday when I began early contratcionts at home. I was already scheduled to be induced at 5am on Tuesday and I was thrilled to have natural contractions begin the day before. My contractions were strong enough to feel but mild enough for me to talk through them. By Monday evening I started timing them about every 10-11 minutes apart. My parents came by to cook dinner and watch a movie with us. By bedtime the contractions were about 9 min apart. I figured I'd try to get some sleep and if I wake up in active labor then we would head to the hospital. My contractions never picked up speed or intensity so we arrived at the hospital fir our scheduled induction. When dr. V arrived he said I was just shy of 4cm. This was all great news. While I was not big on pitocin, I was glad to hear we would start off with very little.
Well it didn't take long for my contractions to take off. Within a few hours I was struggling with the level of pain. My number one reason for being opposed to an epidural was because I did not want to be confined to a bed, but as soon as the piton is administered you have to be wired up to monitor the baby's reaction to the Pitocin. I found myself fighting through each contraction with no real justification to put myself through anymore pain. It's not like I could actually practice any techniques. I had my meditation music, Lance
massaging my feet and I was breathing through each contraction. I quickly made the decision I was not able to make it through the day like that. I gave the green light for the epidural.
By about 10 am I was completely numb and in no pain whatsoever. Unfortunately no pain means you lay there like a log. You can't feel your thighs, you now have more wires attached and every 30 min a team of nurses appear to roll you in a different position. This might work for some people but it made me feel less like a human being and more like an animal or something. I just worked through it with no real complaints though. At this point, you gotta do what you gotta do.
A few hours later the nurse came in to check my status and announced I was already at 9cm. It was time to call the doc because I was advancing quickly and I might be pushing soon.
Well the time to push never came. My body came to a dead stop for about three hours but the Pitocinwas still causing intense contractions. The nurses took me off pitocin but that didn't get me to dilate and the contractions were still coming strong. We quickly realized this was taking a toll on Vivien. She was being pushed down into my pelvis with no room to make her way down. After an emotional discussion with the doctor I agreed to a c-section (which never was part of the plan and I realized later it should have been).
Within fifteen minutes I was wheeled off to O.R. for surgery. After additional drugs were given I found myself in tears, shivering and numb from my neck down. It all happened so quickly and I tried to stay focused that in just a few short minutes she would be at my side.
That turned out to NOT be the case at all. Dr. V announced we had a chunky baby girl, propped her up to show me and then handed her off to be cleaned. I waited and waited to see her bundled and in Lance's arms but she was quickly taken to Neonatal Intensive Care Unit (NICU). Within minutes she was removed from my body and taken away with no explanation to either one of us.
As you might imagine, I was terrified at this point. Nothing went as "planned" and now my baby girl who's been with me for over 9 months was taken away and there was something wrong with her and I had zero answers and zero control. At this point, even Lance began to cry in frustration.
After what felt like hours, we learned Vivien swallowed some fluids during the c-section and now had fluids in her lungs. This caused her to have respiratory problems. She was going to have to spends a a day or two in intensive care, but the doctors reassured us it was common and would cause no lasting effects. She just needed some help to breathe on her own.
As I said in the beginning, I thank the lord he has brought her to me and there were no major complications. However, these last few days have been the hardest days of my life. I could not get over the fact I gave birth to my daughter and didn't get to see or hold her. In fact, I started pumping breast milk that night for my daughter who I hadn't even met yet. It wasn't until the following morning I had her in my arms.
It's like you envision the way you plan on giving birth to your child and prepare for months how you'd like to bring her into this world. When infact, you have zero control. I realize now that I prepared only for what I wanted to happen and I didn't prepare for what could happen. I've learned that this experience is only preparing me for motherhood and all the uncertainties that go along with it. I wasn't open to the idea of a c-section and this caused me to be extremely stressed when we found ourselves down that path. I wanted the best for my baby and the actual outcome of her delivery made me feel like I failed her in some way. I understand that now and I know I need to remove those thoughts from my head. Not everything in life can be planned and I need to get over it and focus on bringing Vivien home now.
One thing is for sure though...I absolutely fell in love with my sweet angel. Everytime I close my eyes now I picture her beautiful face.
It is now day three in the hospital with Vivien and I want to start off by thanking God for this beautiful gift. Even though these past few days have been extremely challenging and emotional, the bottom line is she is finally here, she is healthy and she is safe.
I want to share my birthing experience for several reasons. For one, I think it will help filter some of these emotions out and for two, other mommies to be might learn from this experience also.
Labor started Monday when I began early contratcionts at home. I was already scheduled to be induced at 5am on Tuesday and I was thrilled to have natural contractions begin the day before. My contractions were strong enough to feel but mild enough for me to talk through them. By Monday evening I started timing them about every 10-11 minutes apart. My parents came by to cook dinner and watch a movie with us. By bedtime the contractions were about 9 min apart. I figured I'd try to get some sleep and if I wake up in active labor then we would head to the hospital. My contractions never picked up speed or intensity so we arrived at the hospital fir our scheduled induction. When dr. V arrived he said I was just shy of 4cm. This was all great news. While I was not big on pitocin, I was glad to hear we would start off with very little.
Well it didn't take long for my contractions to take off. Within a few hours I was struggling with the level of pain. My number one reason for being opposed to an epidural was because I did not want to be confined to a bed, but as soon as the piton is administered you have to be wired up to monitor the baby's reaction to the Pitocin. I found myself fighting through each contraction with no real justification to put myself through anymore pain. It's not like I could actually practice any techniques. I had my meditation music, Lance
massaging my feet and I was breathing through each contraction. I quickly made the decision I was not able to make it through the day like that. I gave the green light for the epidural.
By about 10 am I was completely numb and in no pain whatsoever. Unfortunately no pain means you lay there like a log. You can't feel your thighs, you now have more wires attached and every 30 min a team of nurses appear to roll you in a different position. This might work for some people but it made me feel less like a human being and more like an animal or something. I just worked through it with no real complaints though. At this point, you gotta do what you gotta do.
A few hours later the nurse came in to check my status and announced I was already at 9cm. It was time to call the doc because I was advancing quickly and I might be pushing soon.
Well the time to push never came. My body came to a dead stop for about three hours but the Pitocinwas still causing intense contractions. The nurses took me off pitocin but that didn't get me to dilate and the contractions were still coming strong. We quickly realized this was taking a toll on Vivien. She was being pushed down into my pelvis with no room to make her way down. After an emotional discussion with the doctor I agreed to a c-section (which never was part of the plan and I realized later it should have been).
Within fifteen minutes I was wheeled off to O.R. for surgery. After additional drugs were given I found myself in tears, shivering and numb from my neck down. It all happened so quickly and I tried to stay focused that in just a few short minutes she would be at my side.
That turned out to NOT be the case at all. Dr. V announced we had a chunky baby girl, propped her up to show me and then handed her off to be cleaned. I waited and waited to see her bundled and in Lance's arms but she was quickly taken to Neonatal Intensive Care Unit (NICU). Within minutes she was removed from my body and taken away with no explanation to either one of us.
As you might imagine, I was terrified at this point. Nothing went as "planned" and now my baby girl who's been with me for over 9 months was taken away and there was something wrong with her and I had zero answers and zero control. At this point, even Lance began to cry in frustration.
After what felt like hours, we learned Vivien swallowed some fluids during the c-section and now had fluids in her lungs. This caused her to have respiratory problems. She was going to have to spends a a day or two in intensive care, but the doctors reassured us it was common and would cause no lasting effects. She just needed some help to breathe on her own.
As I said in the beginning, I thank the lord he has brought her to me and there were no major complications. However, these last few days have been the hardest days of my life. I could not get over the fact I gave birth to my daughter and didn't get to see or hold her. In fact, I started pumping breast milk that night for my daughter who I hadn't even met yet. It wasn't until the following morning I had her in my arms.
It's like you envision the way you plan on giving birth to your child and prepare for months how you'd like to bring her into this world. When infact, you have zero control. I realize now that I prepared only for what I wanted to happen and I didn't prepare for what could happen. I've learned that this experience is only preparing me for motherhood and all the uncertainties that go along with it. I wasn't open to the idea of a c-section and this caused me to be extremely stressed when we found ourselves down that path. I wanted the best for my baby and the actual outcome of her delivery made me feel like I failed her in some way. I understand that now and I know I need to remove those thoughts from my head. Not everything in life can be planned and I need to get over it and focus on bringing Vivien home now.
One thing is for sure though...I absolutely fell in love with my sweet angel. Everytime I close my eyes now I picture her beautiful face.
Vivien Loren Kessler
Born August 17, 2010
7lbs 3oz
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
38 Week Photo Update
I took this photo right before my doc's appointment this morning. Which I'm VERY excited to hear that we can induce on Tuesday. I'm making slight progress on my dilation and efacement and Vivien is weighing in just under 7lbs. After a talk about her size again, we decided it would be best to speed things along for me. It hasn't really hit me yet that I have 6 days until she will be in my arms. I'm taking these next few days to make my final preparations and just enjoy my time with Lance.
I decided to cherish a few more photos of Vivien in my belly before she finally arrives.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
The Waiting Game
I don't want to jinx anything but this week has been a little different:
- I've been feeling alot of pressure
- I have pains that feel similar to gas (not really sure what that's about)
- My mucus plug finally released (BTW I can't believe I openly talk about lactating and mucus plugs now)
- I've been wide awake the past few nights (probably because I'm so anxious now)
- Then tonight V has been non-stop moving. In the past week or so her movements have been very subtle, just squirms here and there, but not tonight...she's moving around all over the place. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that its a sign of her getting tired of being in there too.
Lastnight I was awake until 3:30 am. It didn't help that the hubs said "I have a feeling she'll be coming this week" and then my sister said when she lost her mucus plug her kiddos were born 2 days later. I was up watching TV, eating cereal and I even thought about getting the vacuum out but I didn't want to wake Lance up and plus it seemed a little ridiculous.
I'm nervous and ready but then sometimes I still can't grasp that at some point she's finally going to exit my body!! Sometimes I feel like she's just going to be in there forever.
All I can do is wait. Wait until I can feel some type of contractions or until the doc says its time. My friends, please, please send me some labor luck or magic labor dust!
In the meantime, how cute is this Dallas Cowboy onsie? Gotta get V geared up for football season. This is what happens when your wide awake and have unlimited access to online shopping!
Saturday, August 7, 2010
Children's Books
Whew! Finals are finally over and Lance and I actually visited the bookstore without needing to study! Well actually he still had to study while I did some leisurely reading. Of course, I headed to the baby books.
I love reading children books! I still have so many vivid memories reading my favorites. Infact, I imagined them so well in my head I can envision the story as though I had seen it on tv. I remember when I was little telling my mom I wish I could sneak into the mall and stay the night so I could read as many books as I wanted. My mom would buy me a book when she could afford it or for special occassions, but I remember we couldn't always afford to buy many books. It was pretty much a luxury to have one. My bestfriend across the street, Meghan, had a TON of books. I loved going to her house because she had a huge book shelf from floor to ceiling covered in books. So most of the time I borrowed them from her. Now here I am, about to be a mother strolling through the children's book section wishing I could afford to buy her all my childhood favorite books. I want her to have her own shelf full of collections like Corduroy, Goodnight Moon, Madeline, The Very Hungry Caterpullar, etc.
Not to mention all the benefits V will get from Lance and I reading outloud to her. Research has shown children who are read to interactively become better readers than children who are not read to interactively or not read to at all. Anything we can do to smarten her up!
I did buy two books for V to give to her grandma's to read. I can't wait to give them to Nana Donna & Nana Lola! You can guess which one is for which grandma!
I love reading children books! I still have so many vivid memories reading my favorites. Infact, I imagined them so well in my head I can envision the story as though I had seen it on tv. I remember when I was little telling my mom I wish I could sneak into the mall and stay the night so I could read as many books as I wanted. My mom would buy me a book when she could afford it or for special occassions, but I remember we couldn't always afford to buy many books. It was pretty much a luxury to have one. My bestfriend across the street, Meghan, had a TON of books. I loved going to her house because she had a huge book shelf from floor to ceiling covered in books. So most of the time I borrowed them from her. Now here I am, about to be a mother strolling through the children's book section wishing I could afford to buy her all my childhood favorite books. I want her to have her own shelf full of collections like Corduroy, Goodnight Moon, Madeline, The Very Hungry Caterpullar, etc.
Not to mention all the benefits V will get from Lance and I reading outloud to her. Research has shown children who are read to interactively become better readers than children who are not read to interactively or not read to at all. Anything we can do to smarten her up!
I did buy two books for V to give to her grandma's to read. I can't wait to give them to Nana Donna & Nana Lola! You can guess which one is for which grandma!
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
37 Weeks & Making Progress!
I'm excited to announce I've made some progress within the past week. Last Thursday was my second pelvic exam and Dr. V announced I was 1cm dilated and my cervix was "thinning quite well" (whatever the heck that means). He also mentioned I am probably due a little sooner than Aug. 23rd and that V is almost 6.5 lbs now. I'm always skeptical when he estimates her weight gain because I've heard so many stories of doctors being way off on a baby's size. I'm like "Really doc? I have a six pounder in my 4 foot 10 body?" If she really is that big already then that explains a lot about my potty mishaps (I'll explain later).
Dr. V also said that I need to start considering being induced early if she gets too large for me. He's concerned that waiting too long will only make it more difficult for me to have a natural delivery. As much as I hated the idea of pitocin, I'm totally open to it now that I'm realizing how freakin uncomfortable it is to be sweating like a pig in Texas in August! Plus I am just sooooo ready to meet her. Tomorrow morning I have another pelvic exam and hopefully I will have a better idea of her arrival date. I would so love for him to say "I hope you brought your bag, because you're having a baby today!" How amazing would that be! Tonight Lance and I are planning to walk a few laps at Target to get this baby moving!
Speaking of the hubs....
Two nights ago he caused me to laugh so hard that I started to sob uncontrollably! This is what went down... I had just crawled into bed and was ready to fall asleep, when he came into the room in complete darkness. I could see him trying to find his way to the bed. I typically sleep on my side facing the outside of the bed, but because of where Vivien was positioned, I was actually facing inward. So Lance got into bed, and just like he always does, put his weight on me to pull himself a little closer into a spooning position. Except only problem was that he pulled me by my belly and I yelled at him. He said "That's your stomach?! I thought that was your butt!" Ok. Wait just a minute...wth? So now my ass is just as big as my huge 9 month pregnant belly? Before I could get upset I started laughing so hard my stomach hurt and I started tearing up. When he realized he was in the clear, he started laughing with me. Then out of nowhere, my laughter turned into cries and I started bawling like a hormonal freak. His laughs came to a stop and he apologized for making it sound like I had a huge ass (which by the way I really do), but I don't think I was even crying about his comment. It bothered me even more when I realized I had no clue what I was upset about. So I started to shout outloud ( I didn't mean to shout, but it comes out that way when you can stop crying) "I'm just so happy! I'm crying because I'm so happy". Am I a freak or what? I got up to blow my nose and wash my face and then it was over. I just chuckled back to the bed and fell asleep. It's amazing what hormones and a fat joke will do to you!
Monday, August 2, 2010
Letters to Vivien
With only a few weeks (or maybe a few days) away from you and I finally meeting each other, I'm overwhelmed with so many emotions. These past nine months have been the most exciting few months of my life.
I feel suddenly sad thinking that soon I won't be feeling you kick, move or squirm inside me. Very soon I will no longer be patting my belly when you get the hiccups. Very soon you won't be waking me up with sudden jolts. Very soon I won't be rolling out of bed to make a dash to the toilet to pee for the 7th time that night. I think I'll even miss my swollen feet, dry skin and joint pain.
While all of these things will be missed, I am completely ready to embrace all the new crazy experiences you will bring into my life. I can't wait to hold you. I can't wait to feel you in my arms. I can't wait to smell your sweet scent. And I can't wait to look into your eyes for the first time.
This has been an incredible journey for me and I'm ready to embark on this new chapter in my life; being your mother. While I can't plan out when you decide to come into this world, I just want you to know that I'm ready and waiting for you.
With all my love,
Your Mother
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